LESSON TWO: DNRs should be honored no matter where a patient might end up. If you have one or if your loved one has one, make certain that the document's existence is acknowledged by the staff of the facility where your loved one is residing. Sometimes a simple "DNR on file" note of the chart is sufficient to tip off EMTs that they should ask questions first. And do not confuse a DNR with a Living Will! If confused, ask a lawyer.

Joe had called us when Jane was first admitted to ICU. He was a basket-case and we couldn't get a straight answer from him, partly because of his condition and partly because he didn't know. His generation worships doctors and think they "shouldn't be bothered with questions" or some such nonsense. He was lost metaphorically, and like many guys, wouldn't ask for directions.

LESSON THREE: When in doubt, take charge. My wife and I drove to NC and she took over. Joe was hesitant to call the MDs. My wife got their numbers and called them all to get answers. Joe was hesitant to call his priest. My wife got the priest on the phone and he was there in 15 minutes. Joe was hesitant to ask about the results of tests. My wife got the nurses to chase down the doctors and get answers. So the lesson is this- a grieving spouse is not equipped to handle these matters. He or she needs help but is possibly hesitant to ask for help. Better to ask forgiveness than permission. Take charge but be kind to the spouse and be willing to defer when the situation changes.

Read Bill’s final lessons in our next post...