Local attorney-at-law who specializes in the elderly, Bill Nolan, recently learned some hard lessons. He shared these lessons in his own blog, Elder Law Alabama, and allowed us to share them with you…
When a loved one dies...
My 80 year-old mother-in-law died last week. She died fairly suddenly so no one in the family, my wife particularly, was prepared. My wife and I drove to NC to be with her mother in the hospital and my wife was the person who was given the decision to remove life support. We were in her room as she died.
I learned a few things about the process of dying, of leaving things unsaid and undone and of trying to cope with the loss of a loved one. It is one thing to read about something and know it professionally and academically. It is quite another to actually be a part of something as it is happening.
Both my mother-in-law (let's call her Jane) and her husband Joe were self-sufficient. No one had been helping them with any of the daily chores we all deal with -- paying bills, balancing checkbooks, monitoring retirement accounts and so on. After Jane's death, I sat down with Joe to talk to him about their finances. Joe was at a loss as to where they were. Jane had been in charge of all their finances! He wasn't even sure how many accounts they had or how they were titled, and he was not familiar with the nature or amount of their retirement accounts. In addition, he was in shock over his wife's death. He wasn't thinking clearly. He was exhibiting grief, depression, sadness, anger and an odd nonchalance about the whole process that was out of character. We were not sure whether he was actually showing symptoms of dementia or not. Had Jane been covering for him lately? Or was Joe just partially deaf and in shock?
LESSON ONE: Make sure that your parents understand that if one of them should die, the other might need help with financial matters. While most seniors are not willing to share this personal information with even their adult children, make them understand that the one who dies first might be the financial wizard, leaving the other spouse to fend for themselves. If they won't let you in on their specifics, at least ask them to organize their finances somewhere so that, if and when the time comes, you could step in and reconstruct everything without too much work.
Jane had been suffering from a lung disorder that would have eventually killed her but that was not the cause of her death. She had a "Do Not Resuscitate" order with her nonetheless, because of her condition. She had been in the hospital earlier in the week for back pain and had just been released to an assisted living center for rehab prior to returning home. The assisted living people found her unresponsive one morning and called the EMTs, who got her heart beating again. Yes, despite having a DNR, the Assisted living people took the action they took. Jane was in ICU for two days on every machine known to man, and during that time, there was never any brain activity. She had really died at the ALF but because they called in help, she was kept alive, against her wishes, for two more days.
Read more of Bill’s lessons in our next post...